The kids have just gotten off the bus, famished and tearing apart the fridge and pantry.  

​“You really should have made them something healthy to eat.”

​The now-satiated kids are bickering about having to do their homework before soccer practice. 

​“You should be spending this time with them inquiring about their day and connecting with them. And don’t get annoyed, they’re kids. You should have more patience.”

​Crap, nothing is planned for dinner. 

​“You should have a nutritious meal already made for your family.”

​Dad’s home and kids want to throw the ball around, but Daddy is just exhausted.  

​“You should get up and play with them. Before too long, they won’t want to hang out with you. These days are numbered and you are missing out.”

​For mothers and fathers alike, this inner dialogue/inner conflict is an age-old argument. On the one hand, you have the reality of the situation, and on the other, there’s the notion of how you think you are failing (and the accompanying guilt). We hardly acknowledge our accomplishments, but are quick to chastise ourselves about our perceived failures. Slaving away for 10 hours in a busy workplace to earn money and pay bills means nothing if the dinner wasn’t comprised of all four food groups. Accomplishment is eclipsed by failure. It feels like we could and should always be doing more! 

​ “Should” is a dangerous word. With its use comes self-criticism, negativity, and a lack of acceptance of things as they are.  

​“The word ‘should’ has become a fixture in our everyday dialogue.  We use it in conversation with others, as a way of motivating ourselves or keeping ourselves in check, and to express a myriad of feelings, including frustration, guilt, and regret. As I’ve become more interested in my internal dialogue and how it affects the way I feel about myself, show up in the world, and live my life, I’ve started to realize just how insidious the word ‘should’ can be. Although I used to ‘should’ myself about a variety of things, many times each day, I realized that telling myself I should be doing more or being more wasn’t actually helping me to do more or be more, and it left me feeling like I wasn’t enough as I was.” (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-word-should-can-be-harmful-3-empowering-alternatives/)

If this is the parental mindset, then it would logically mean that there is a “paramount of parenting” that you fall short of.  

​But there are no perfect Moms and Dads. We are neither June nor Ward Cleaver.  Likewise, neither are we Kim Kardashian nor Heidi Klum. In the same way we compare ourselves to magazine covers of supermodels—always falling short of the waistlines and bust lines—we are compare ourselves to super-parents, and duly fail.

​These perceived super-parents are not always celebrities as they may be neighbors, family members, or friends on social media. In a quiet moment you pull up your Facebook page and see a flawless pic of a family at a restaurant.  “Why isn’t that my family?”  “What is she doing that I am not?” What you don’t see may be even more telling than what you do. They may not post the pic of the clothing meltdown that happened when they were already 10 minutes late leaving. You may not see the Mom, struggling with anxiety, who cried her eyes out three minutes before the picture was taken.

Social media captures moments, not lives. What you are seeing are snapshots of life, and not the continuous struggles. Think about how many times you retake a photo when the kids look weird or you have a strange look on your face. Social media is “life-edited.”

​Likewise, you do not know the struggles of these “perfect families.” Unlike you, maybe they have kids that sleep through the night. But again, unlike you, they may have kids that will do not play well with others. We simply do not know the whole story, and it is not worth the assumptions that will only increase your guilt and shame. We are already overly critical of how we look, act, and feel. This is one more voice you do not need in your mind. 

​How do we combat the voice that says we are not a good enough Mom or Dad? First of all, it is about vocabulary. Eliminate the word “should.” Take in your environment and your situation, and know you are doing your best. Do not compare yourself to others. You have not walked a minute in their shoes—do not assume they have walked in yours.

​I would love to say, “avoid social media,” but that may not be realistic. Instead, consider the untold story and know the narrative is probably not very different than yours. Instead of starting competition, build community. If you’re comfortable, be honest on your social media—write about the moments you would not normally post about. You may be surprised how much it resonates with your friends and how much they share your struggles.

​Find time for you. And I mean blocking it off on a calendar. You wouldn’t admonish a doctor for taking a day off his emergency-room rotation to play golf and relax. Most of you would argue that this would even make him a better doctor. Then what is the difference? He is saving lives and you are rearing them. Is your role as a parent any less important than that of a doctor? Not to your kids, it’s not.

You are worth a few moments. This may not need to manifest in a trip to the spa, but maybe something as simple as taking a walk, meditating, exercising, and/or spending time alone. And when you are alone, DELEGATE! Parenthood does not mean that you do it alone. Lean on a spouse, grandparent, friend, or other family member. They can help. There is no clause in the parenting contract that says you have to do it alone.

And perhaps the most important thing you can do is embrace your humanity. What happens to kids when they their parents are always “perfectly-coifed, perfectly-attired, perfectly-mannered”? These kids feel like they short of what they consider to be the implicit expectations of their parents. Kids need to see parents as real humans, with the good and the bad. They need to know that Mommy and Daddy have limits, have goals, and sometimes they fail. It is important to set realistic expectations for your kids, so that they can learn to set boundaries for themselves. They need to be true to themselves. They need to know it is ok to not be ok.

At the end of the day, you are what your kids want—flaws and all. You are real. 

Parenthood is not bestowed with a cape and matching bodysuit. You are neither expected to leap tall buildings in a single bound, nor stop a speeding bullet. Some days it is ok to just survive. Kids need to know you are real. You set examples by making mistakes as well as having successes. They need to know it is ok to fail!