Words have always held a special place in my heart. Full of rhythm, history, and an art all their own, words are truly enchanting to me. Learning new vocabulary words is a favorite pastime of mine (especially when I get to use them on the New York Times crossword!). So why is it that when someone asks how I am doing, all I can muster is a \u201cfine\u201d, \u201cokay\u201d, \u201cgood\u201d, or \u201cbad?\u201d A flat, automatic, one-word answer with about as much eloquence as a toenail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We feel all day, every day, and at every moment. Most of the time, however, we unaware we are feeling, much less being able to aptly describe what it is we are experiencing. I use the term \u201cemotional eloquence\u201d to denote the ability to aptly put into words that which is being emoted. Simple? Yes. Effortless? No. The process involves delving deeper than the surface emotion (\u201cscared\u201d), and finding the root sentiment (\u201crejected\u201d). The \u201celoquence\u201d comes from the articulation of this root emotion that is that the heart of the surface feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the same way we \u201cauto-pilot\u201d our thoughts, we tend to \u201cauto-pilot\u201d our emotions. Feelings come and go just like our thoughts. It is only when we are wracked by emotion (be it good or bad), do we snap into awareness of what we are feeling. In the case of difficult emotions, however, we become engulfed in the thralls of the upset, making it that much harder to find our path back to equilibrium.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cName it to tame it\u201d is the catch-phrase coined by Dan Seigel, a psychologist who purported using identification of strong emotions as a method to diffusing them. Identification occurs when you are able to step back from the emotion and \u201clook\u201d at it. Taking this a step further, we should look at these feelings without judgment or criticism, but with curiosity \u2013 holding space for our emotions and giving them a safe space for their expression. Additionally this \u201cstepping back\u201d allows you to fully evaluate what it is you are feeling and proceed in a much more methodical manner. Naming actually disrupts the amygdala (responsible for \u201cflight or fight responses) for those who struggle with anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are no right and wrong feelings. Feelings are. They come and they go. Being overly-critical of these moments will only serve to damage our relationship with our feelings. The same holds true when hearing others speak of their emotions. \u201cI am scared\u201d should not be said in shame, but with head held high. To be able to express our vulnerability with one another will reinforce our connections and deepen our relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of non-violent communication, built his movement on the cornerstone of properly expressing oneself. Only when we can accurately convey our needs, do they have the opportunity of actually being met. When you speak, your words can either be alienating (violent) or connecting (non-violent). It is important to be specific and Rosenberg touted the necessity of building a feeling vocabulary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n